End of Year Wrap Up

Dear Baby Clouds, 

Thank you for being patient with me and my blog. I am hoping in the new year to get on track and to be able to produce substantial content. When I first started this blog, I did not know what to expect. I did not know if anyone would read it or if anyone would actually care. To be frank, I still do not know. However, I do know there are people who were moved by my writing and for those few, I will keep persevering. Let’s find where this blog is going together!

A majority of my blog is about being honest. Honest about my body. Honest about Fatphobia. It’s just me and you right now. I want to be honest about my life. The past few months have been quite troubling for me.  

Part 1 – Diagnosis

I was officially diagnosed with this rare brain disorder in late November; although it had been suspected since late September. To be quite honest, since my diagnosis of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension, I have been angry at the world. Who wouldn’t? I have a disorder that causes searing headaches, constant ringing in my ears, and so much more.I received a Lumbar Puncture and now take up to 13 pills a day to maintain my condition. I do not feeI young. I feel as though I keep being tested and though I do not break, it does not mean that I am not withered and tired. 

  • What is Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension?

I.I.H. (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) is a brain disorder in which there is elevated pressure surrounding the brain. According to Cedars Sinai, “‘the fluid that surrounds the spinal cord and brain is called cerebrospinal fluid or CSF. If too much fluid is made or not enough is reabsorbed, the CSF can build up. This can cause symptoms like those of a brain tumor.’” 

Part 2 – Depression

In between the waiting, doctor’s appointments, and multiple blood tests, I was in a very deep blanket of depression. I felt undesirable and lethargic. With so many pills to adjust to and a new way of life to be living, I was frozen. How was I supposed to post motivational Instagram photos & informational blog posts when I could barely leave my bed to brush my teeth? I just felt as if I needed to disappear. I took time to recoup by leaving social media and my blog. At that time, I just let myself mope in my sadness. I lost weight, distanced friends, and overall was in a state of constant turmoil. I don’t remember much from that time, only that time passed very slowly. I still feel as if I am in this depression, however, instead of a blanket, it is a light cardigan. Always there to remind me that I am not completely healed, but light enough for me to keep going.

Just as emotions come, they go. I do not know when I started to feel better, but things suddenly became easier. I am not saying I am completely better, but what I am saying that is my depression and my disorder are becoming manageable. I’m taking advantage of this high. Right now, I am focusing on what I can control and that is getting a driver’s permit and lessons. So I’ll see you on the road in 2021!

Love Always,

Cloudythighs

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